The 67th Annual International Inventors' Symposium

“Order, order. Settle down, now. Please be seated”.

Clack. Clack. The gavel echoed. Dr. Malcolm Richards’ eyes moved across the crowd until he felt the room was muted to his liking.

“Good morning, and welcome to the sixty seventh International Inventors Symposium”. The microphone rang to the furthest corner of the room, reaching the ears of all seven hundred and sixteen attendees. “As I’m sure you all know, this event is held annually to celebrate the greatest discoveries and inventions of the last year. We also peak at the technology of the future”.

            Malcolm paused, as if waiting for cheers, but was met with silence. He cleared his throat and continued. “We have a lot planned for you over the next few days, and what better way to start than hearing from our very own, Dr. Leopold Greene”. The room applauded. “ Dr. Greene is a phenomenon because he has never focused on one field of study, and everything he touches seems to be pure gold. Whether you’re talking about his optical projection system, or his new take on food rehydration, the man is in every home around the world. So… without further adieu, Dr. Leopold Green, ladies and gentlemen”. At that pause, the entire room rose for a standing ovation.

            In the front row, a tall, lanky man stood up and made his way to the podium. He was wearing a white lab coat, like every other attendee, and khaki pants that led down his long legs to his Nike sneakers.

            Leopold did not address the crowd right away when he reached the microphone. He flipped through his note cards and took a deep breath. A bead of sweat slid down his brow. He knew that this speech could mean the end of his career, but he started anyway.

            “ Thank you, Dr. Richards, for that rousing introduction”. He feigned a smile. “I am truly honored to be here. This past year has seen some great innovations in technology big and small. Whether it be an every day product, like the odor eating bacteria now used in restrooms around the world, thanks to Dr. Henry Lee…” Leopold gestured to a short Asian man in the front row who humbly smiled and nodded, “…or something more advanced, like Dr. Rebecca Krumholtz’ Hydro-engine, the first motor to run on pure water”. He paused and gestured to a red headed woman sitting four rows back. Several people clapped at the mention of her name.

“But now it is time to look forward. There is always more to be done; more to improve and more to discover. I would like to now share with all of you what I have been working on for the past two years, something that I think could change the way we look at travel”. Leopold reached down to the remote control and took one more deep breath before clicking the play button, starting his slide show that played on the projector behind him. The first slide showed a dimensional drawing of what looked like a sphere with two parallel ends chopped off. The crowd began to murmur and whisper throughout. “I would like to introduce all of you to the Gyrocaster: the future in ground travel”. The muttering in the room grew slightly louder.

“The wide base allows for greater stability in an automobile. When once you needed four tires, now you only need two Gyrocasters down the middle of the car”. The next slide showed a mockup of a car with the Gyrocasters beneath it. The chatter continued to grow. Members of the audience began to show signs of disgust and confusion.

Leopold was afraid of this, but he had to continue. His palms were sweating, and his knees began to shake. “Um… also, due to the rounded base, automobiles will be able to take the sharpest ninety degree turn possible”. Leopold’s hands were trembling so much that his thumb missed the button for the next slide at first, but he got it on his second try. The next slide was a video, showing a Toyota Camry with Gyrocasters attached driving in a vacant parking lot. The car would stop and then be able to start driving in any direction. It was obvious to all when the sixty second video was over that no angle is impossible for the Gyrocaster.

When the video ended, the room was almost at a dull roar. Leopold had to yell into the microphone to speak over them. “With turns this tight, the entire roadway system can be redesigned and ‘compacted’, if you will; optimizing space. I am hoping to see these on all roads in the next ten years. Thank you.” No one applauded, and no one seemed at all happy or impressed by his presentation. Leopold had feared this might happen.

“Any questions?” Leopold asked weakly, hoping to be let off easy so he could wander back to his seat. He was not so lucky, however, as Dr. Malcolm Richards shot up immediately, not even waiting to be called on. “Are you out of your fucking mind?!”, he yelled out before he even reached the crowd’s microphone.  “This has to be a joke right?”

Leopold froze for a second, “um, uh, what do you mean?”

“You know damn well what I mean, Leo. REINVENTING THE FUCKING WHEEL?! It’s the one unspoken rule for inventors, and it always has been. Don’t fuck with the wheel. It’s sacred.” There were murmurs of agreement in the audience.

“Look, I just think it could be improved upon. It hasn’t been looked at for thousands of years, and meanwhile our cell phones get upgraded every year with some new feature. You’re telling me that the wheel is perfect?”

“That’s exactly what I’m telling you!” Malcolm yelled. His face was now beet red, and the veins on his forehead were pulsing. “Are you trying to make a mockery of this year’s proceedings? The year that I finally become president of the International Inventors’ Union? Well, I won’t stand by and let it happen. Your Gyro-crappers will never see the light of day. Guards, detain Dr. Greene until all of his research on this blasphemous invention has been seized”.

“No, please!” Leopold yelled as two large muscular men marched to the front of the stage and carried him off.

So that’s why they hire body guards every year, Leopold thought, as he was dragged out the back door.

“Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen”,  Malcolm said in a much calmer voice. He adjusted his hair with his fingers. “Why don’t we take a ten minute break and collect ourselves. When we return….” He glanced down at the schedule in front of him, “… Dr. Maureen Phillips will marvel us with her findings on erection manipulation”.